Jessica Alba plays a deadly special forces unit in a new action film? I'm in.

As a certified unofficial Barstool historian who has been hanging around here for over 20 years, it's hard to overstate how important the “two Jessicas” were to our early growth and development in the mid-2000s. Jessica Biel was the subject of many blogs for once making eye contact with Dave Portnoy at a public event, long before she put a ring on the other most eligible bachelor of the day, Justin Timberlake. And Jessica Alba was getting clicks when her star shot into the sky Dark Angel, Sin City, Fantastic Four era of her career. Both were guaranteed 14-carat gold. And if the five of us who wrote blogs back then didn't write about it for a week, it was because we all fell asleep at the wheel.

And if you had told me back then that Barstool would be a high-profile, internationally recognized multimedia and lifestyle brand in 2024, I might have been willing to believe you. But if you had told me that the Jessicas would still be at the top of the sex symbol pyramid, I would have had a much harder time buying it. Celebrities who are as hot as they are tend to burn out quickly. (Take care, Sydney Sweeney. And save your money.) That's why I was more than pleased when Jessica Alba's torch was passed to a whole new generation of Stool bloggers, in this case Dante:

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Similar to how you appreciate when your children show interest in a baseball player you admired or a movie you loved. It's a beautiful discovery when you realize that the things that were important to you long ago are actually eternal.

I mention all this because not only has Alba continued to provide blog fodder all these years, but at the tender age of 43, she's also starring in a starring role for the first time in what seems like forever. No less than the hammer star of an action thriller:

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Trigger warning's IMDb page – A veteran special forces commander (Jessica Alba) takes over her father's bar after his sudden death and soon comes into conflict with a violent gang rampant in her hometown.

Let’s review that, shall we? A smoking hot MILF that kicks ass for miles. A highly skilled, expertly trained human weapon of mass destruction embarks on a morally clear quest for revenge. Clearly drawn boundaries between good and evil. A cathartic bloodbath of well-deserved violence to protect the innocent. Oh, and as the pursuer, Anthony Michael Hall as the obviously corrupt, greedy politician behind it all?

Giphy images.

Get out of my brain, Netflix. I'm already convinced that every device in the house is listening in on my conversations. But with Trigger Warning, it's pretty clear that my streaming services have hacked into my subconscious and produced the near-perfect movie to produce enough dopamine to keep me permanently glued to the screen. And I only used “near” perfect because it doesn’t include space wizards, hobbits, and underdog boxers getting their shot at the title. That is, as far as we know; I don't rule it out.

Of course, you might have a hard time believing that a 43-year-old, extremely beautiful actress would be breaking henchmen's necks like a 1990s Schwarzenegger. And I understand your hesitation. But the audience literally laughed at the first trailers that featured Bruce Willis Die Hard came out. And there were those who were skeptical that Keanu Reeves could pull off John Wick. Now they are the gold standard of the genre. And let's not discount Bob Odenkirk in the Fantastic No one. Action heroes sometimes come from unusual places.

So Jessica Alba has my full trust and confidence that she can join the ranks of great female action protagonists, from Sigourney Weaver's Ripley to Linda Hamilton's Sarah Conner to Uma Thurman's The Bride and beyond . Trigger warningThe June 21st release date can't come soon enough.